Friends with less benefits than you think....

So a few weeks ago I get this weird picture of a man in face paint from my friend, Adele, I reply "Who the hell is that". Then my phone rings. Its Adele. She asked if I got the pic, I reply yes. She says OK, I have a story to tell you. She goes on to tell me that this guy has been basically stalking her to go on a date. So in his sneaki-ness he does some sort of video chat app to talk to her. You don't know her but I will tell you she is a terrible liar. So I guess by the end of the conversation she agrees to meet this guy to go to the movies. Afterwards, they go to a local spot for some drinks. While they are there, I guess he is inclined to tell her somethings about himself. First, He ask, Did I ever tell you why I got divorced. She answers no, but didn't seem to want to really know why. She really wanted to know when this so-called "date" would be over. He explains to her that he is a swinger, WHAT!? I'm sorry, I'm no dating expert, but saying "yea, so umm, I like chicks and d*$k" on the first date. Doesn't seem like a great opening line for a future together. Now, again, I wasn't present for this conversation. I'm just telling you what she told me(by the way she told me to blog about it so she can hear how I heard the story). At this point, I honestly say to her that I did not want to hear anymore of this story. she kept saying, "but, wait". So naturally I kept listening. She continues with her story saying that he was going into detail about local clubs that have sex parties. As she keeps talking I can't help but to continue to think, "Man, this dude just loves the d*$k".

Anyway, she goes on to tell me that he has a foot fetish(I think, that may not be 100% accurate, because I was trying not to listen but she JUST KEPT TELLING ME). He tells her he would love to like lick her feet and isht?! Out of all the stuff that was said prior, that is the only thing I was like "oh that's not that bad". Next question out of the insanely curious Adele's mouth is, don't you have a girlfriend? He answers with a Yes, but she is cool with it. WELL DAMN. That is what I call having cake and eating it too(and by eat it too I mean its still up in the air if he likes d*$k or not, we are thinking its a 98.2% probability that he does). At this point, Adele is telling me she was trying to hold back the laughter. Also she is thinking, for what reason I don't know, she needs to tell me about this. So I guess(again cause I wasn't there) they are leaving to go to the car. He found his window to shoot this question " so you want to be like friends with benefits". That is amazing. For two reasons...1) he was bold enough to say all this stuff on the first outing. From the divorce, to the parties, to the fetishes. I mean, i know she was asking questions! he should have known, that those questions were only being asked to gain more info to put him on blast. 2) I think its amazing cause I understand his reasoning for asking the question. I mean, if it were me saying all that stuff, and she hasn't left flames on the ground from her running to her car to get the hell out of there. When will there be a better time to shoot that question out there.

So I guess the whole point of this is. If a grown ass man sends you a picture of himself with face paint on. Change your number cause there is a strong chance he is a divorced man, that likes to lick feet, while another man massages his butt with whipped cream, while having sex with another lady, in a guy named Skeets basement, on a bi-weekly basis, while his girlfriend is at home watching re-runs of greys anatomy, and is "cool with it"!

Wallet Check...

Everyone knows there are common stereotypes about each race. Most of them I like to think are very comical because usually they are no where close to true. I usually feed into those stereotypes because it causes uncomfortable situations for most people. anyway I took a trip to the grocery store today and a few things happened that got me thinking.

First I park my car, I'm walking up the parking lot and I notice a 50-something white lady letting her mom(or older person in her family) out at the car. As I walk toward the cross walk I notice she is letting two ladies(not minority)cross in front of her SUV. I go to walk because I happen to catch the right timing and she puts her foot on the gas to go...DAMN. I mean, you let everyone else go but when I get there you have to go, RIGHT THEN IN THERE? As she drives past I look at her, because I'm upset. Then I thought to myself, what if I just walked up to the old lady you dropped off and just pushed her over. huh, would that be justified. Yet, I just shake my head and keep it moving. As I walk into the store I think, I wonder what went through that ladies head as I walked towards her. Maybe I was intimidating, and she wanted to give the old lady a head start. She should know I'm fast, after all I was born with that extra tendon.

While I'm in the store, I get my groceries. Browse the isles. excuse myself when needed, then go to check out. Walking up to the check out line I'm the forth person in line, and at the time the LAST person in line. As the people ahead of me check out. There is this guy that walks up behind me. Honestly, he reminds me of a dude I would see on Tru TV. So I look back at him, nod. he doesn't nod, back just looks at me with a real tough look. So being the non-intimidating guy I am, my first thought, was to let him go in front of me. I mean he only had two items in his hand. plus he kinda scared me. Then I thought, na, I got this. how weird would it be that i just let this guy get in front of me at the check out for no reason besides he looks like he would kill everyone in this b*T$h for no reason. so instead what do I do...like a dumb ass, i do the "oh maybe I forgot my wallet, oh there it is in my back pocket" check. Then look back at him with a "hey" grin, SHIT. I did it again. now this dude knows, if he starts to snap the hell out, the black dude ain't gone do shit! so I check out and leave.

The whole drive home, I kept thinking to myself... "man, that crazy lookin white dude scared the shit out of me".... I mean, I know I don't have much street cred, but i would have been in the negatives after my poor Afro American showing today.. It also made me think to myself. Black people are just as afraid of white people, as white people are afraid of black people. The reasons may be different but they the fear still is there!

Sucker Punch!

All men want their female to have a bit of toughness to them, not like Chyna from wrestling, but just to know she can hold her own. There are simple little test we give them as men to check it out. Usually they are dumb little things we do like play fight and stuff like that. I am about to tell you a story of how not to do it. Trust me it will save you someday.

Some years back I lived with an ex of mine, I am a joke around type of guy so I would do all kinds of practical jokes on her. It was no big deal in our house. So one night I go out with my boys, I have a more than a few adult beverages. As the night winds down, it is time for me to return to my apartment. On the way home I have to stop by CVS to pick up smokes. While in the store I see that they still have some halloween mask left over. One of them is a huge tennis ball with a shitty grin. I make up my mind that it would be great to wake my girl out of a sound sleep at 1 a.m. with this mask on my head. I get in the car and I am pumped. She always slept with the dog, and they usually both woke up when I walked in the door.

So I come in and put my stuff away. Then put on my mask....GAME TIME! I decide(like an idiot)to stand outside the bedroom door and wait for her to walk out lookin for me. After standing outside the door for a few minutes, I hear them wrestling around and then I hear her get up out of bed. AHHHH snap this is about to be classic( it was but for all the wrong reasons). She opened the door, I yell AHHHHHHHH... This chick cocks her right hand back like Mike Tyson, and Whabam(while holding the 13 lbs dog in her other hand)...she one pieced me with a overhand right, square in the nose. I drop like a sack of potatoes. Im rolling on the ground, holding my nose, yelling.... "B#*@$, I think you broke my nose"... she says "that's what you get for trying to scare me" shuts the door and goes back to bed.

Take it from me, stick to the play fighting to test for toughness. Nothing is cool about get dropped by your girl holding a purse accessory, at 1 a.m.!

Smokin in the girl's bathroom

Some years back I was a first year sales rep at a wireless company. Over the years I have many stories but this is one that I always go back to and is a funny one to tell.

A tall man with a mullet, tank top and messed up jeans walks in with a woman that is shorter and round with a bit of a mustache. The man seems to be a bit sketchy, but the woman seems to have it all together. I greet them, they say they are looking to purchase service. I sell them on the service and they agree. As I am preparing the account and drawing up the contract, my phone rings. At the time, assigning personal ringtones was a new feature(this was mid 2004). The person calling me had the Akon's Locked up as a ringtone. Instantly the couple started to dance and sing the song. I was shocked to say the least cause they looked like they would have a rebel flag on at least five personal items i.e. arm, breast, lighter, truck or hat.

The man explains that the song has a special meaning for them. At that point I was all in to hear this story along with my co-worker, who was sitting right beside me. I looked over at Jay(my co-worker) and smiled, he nodded and held back the laughter. The man goes on to say that he hates cops. I followed with a baiting..."Really?". His lady friend, answers with anger, saying "they treated him terrible". Here is where the story becomes almost unbelievable...

The man starts with this line, "So we are in the women's bathroom smoking crack, right!". HOLD THE H UP. You were where, smoking what? I was completely shocked, I looked over at Jay and he looked like he had saw a ghost. The female goes on to validate the story, but assures Jay and myself that she was just in the bathroom not actually smoking crack, cause she doesn't do that. Which is believable because I have never seen a overweight crackhead in my life. The man continues with his story.... Yea, so I was sitting on the toilet smokin, and she was sitting on the floor in front of me. while we are in the back of this laundromat smokin, someone is robbing it. when I get done we walk out and the cops are already there. I walk around the corner and they tell me to get on the ground and start to arrest me.... he seemed to be upset that he was being arrest because he happen to be in the same place that a robbery just occurred, smoking crack in the bathroom, and the cops didn't let him go. Cause after all he was JUST SMOKIN CRACK in a public place. Also, How long were you back there smoking crack, shit, a robbery happened and the police were already there. That's a long ass time. The lady then chimes in with her part of the story, telling me that she was upset the way they threw him on the ground so rough. Also that they think all people that smoke crack rob places.

They continue with the legal trouble that he could be facing, so on and so forth. Then the man looks at Jay and myself and asked "y'all like pies, cause I use to work at a restaurant and learned how to bake". Both Jay and I give a reluctant head nod that we do like pies, but both make up excuses as to why we don't want one. About a week later the man shows up in the store, along with his sidekick. she is carrying a bag. Inside the bag, YOU GUESS IT... PIES. he asked if we would like to buy one. We both give him that excuse that works on Homeless, girl scouts, and crackheads with homemade custard pies...."Awwww man, I don't have any cash on me".. he says that it is cool cause we hooked him up on phones, so he will leave this one with us, but he will be back next week to "take our order" for more pies.

Normally that is how this story would end but it doesn't. We take the pie in the back of the store and have a laugh. Totally forgetting that we work with a guy named Marcus that will eat anything. Marcus comes in the back and ask about the pie. We both informed and warned him that a crackhead customer made it, and we aren't touching the thing. He says "man, you don't know crack heads make the best pies"... I will let you finish the story for yourself from this point

CRACKPIES FOR EVERYONE!