Smokin in the girl's bathroom

Some years back I was a first year sales rep at a wireless company. Over the years I have many stories but this is one that I always go back to and is a funny one to tell.

A tall man with a mullet, tank top and messed up jeans walks in with a woman that is shorter and round with a bit of a mustache. The man seems to be a bit sketchy, but the woman seems to have it all together. I greet them, they say they are looking to purchase service. I sell them on the service and they agree. As I am preparing the account and drawing up the contract, my phone rings. At the time, assigning personal ringtones was a new feature(this was mid 2004). The person calling me had the Akon's Locked up as a ringtone. Instantly the couple started to dance and sing the song. I was shocked to say the least cause they looked like they would have a rebel flag on at least five personal items i.e. arm, breast, lighter, truck or hat.

The man explains that the song has a special meaning for them. At that point I was all in to hear this story along with my co-worker, who was sitting right beside me. I looked over at Jay(my co-worker) and smiled, he nodded and held back the laughter. The man goes on to say that he hates cops. I followed with a baiting..."Really?". His lady friend, answers with anger, saying "they treated him terrible". Here is where the story becomes almost unbelievable...

The man starts with this line, "So we are in the women's bathroom smoking crack, right!". HOLD THE H UP. You were where, smoking what? I was completely shocked, I looked over at Jay and he looked like he had saw a ghost. The female goes on to validate the story, but assures Jay and myself that she was just in the bathroom not actually smoking crack, cause she doesn't do that. Which is believable because I have never seen a overweight crackhead in my life. The man continues with his story.... Yea, so I was sitting on the toilet smokin, and she was sitting on the floor in front of me. while we are in the back of this laundromat smokin, someone is robbing it. when I get done we walk out and the cops are already there. I walk around the corner and they tell me to get on the ground and start to arrest me.... he seemed to be upset that he was being arrest because he happen to be in the same place that a robbery just occurred, smoking crack in the bathroom, and the cops didn't let him go. Cause after all he was JUST SMOKIN CRACK in a public place. Also, How long were you back there smoking crack, shit, a robbery happened and the police were already there. That's a long ass time. The lady then chimes in with her part of the story, telling me that she was upset the way they threw him on the ground so rough. Also that they think all people that smoke crack rob places.

They continue with the legal trouble that he could be facing, so on and so forth. Then the man looks at Jay and myself and asked "y'all like pies, cause I use to work at a restaurant and learned how to bake". Both Jay and I give a reluctant head nod that we do like pies, but both make up excuses as to why we don't want one. About a week later the man shows up in the store, along with his sidekick. she is carrying a bag. Inside the bag, YOU GUESS IT... PIES. he asked if we would like to buy one. We both give him that excuse that works on Homeless, girl scouts, and crackheads with homemade custard pies...."Awwww man, I don't have any cash on me".. he says that it is cool cause we hooked him up on phones, so he will leave this one with us, but he will be back next week to "take our order" for more pies.

Normally that is how this story would end but it doesn't. We take the pie in the back of the store and have a laugh. Totally forgetting that we work with a guy named Marcus that will eat anything. Marcus comes in the back and ask about the pie. We both informed and warned him that a crackhead customer made it, and we aren't touching the thing. He says "man, you don't know crack heads make the best pies"... I will let you finish the story for yourself from this point

CRACKPIES FOR EVERYONE!

OMG SMH WTF happen to gangster rap gear?

Last night I went to get some wings with a friend of mine who is really into Hip-Hop(not to be confused with rap). He asked me in conversation if I liked Drake, I accept him for what he does, which is make ladies dance. I think that is fair enough! His next comment was, I don't like Lil Wayne. I responded with I'm not a fan in the slightest but I have heard some lyrics from him that were pretty damn good. So I followed it up with, How do "so-called" thugs(meaning every day dudes you see in your local club) support this dude so heavy?

I started to think to myself at what point did "Gangsta" rap turn into what you see on the left?

There are a few factors I want to blame, but give me a listen I will break it down for you... First, back in the day Hip-Hop was rhymin about stuff in your environment.. as it progressed dudes with a lil more skill watch other peoples lives, adopted that into their writing, then made it big off of other peoples struggles because they were a crafty writer. NOW, that my friend is gangster, stealin another persons life to get rich. So after they made it out of their environment, and started making money.... they could go back to their NON-gangsta self and just start acting any ole kinda way... I introduce into evidence...

If this isn't a head scratcher, I don't know what the will make you scratch your head... It's also kinda weird to me that child rappers like Romeo and Bow wow, were basically banished cause they weren't believable as adult rappers but this clown dressin, syrup sippin, half rock star... is more respected in the hood than a person that didn't go crazy, with his image to appeal to the masses?? sorry, i apologize, I got a lil hype (you like how I used "lil", F you den don't laugh... that shit is funny) anyway, back on task then i saw this shit.. Please look below....
THAT'S A DAMN SHAME, and he got like 15 kids...

Next, I want to ask people my age a question. If Biggie and Pac dressed like this back in the day would they even have got on? I mean we all know were Pac started out, Digital underground... as a dancer. Do you think if B.I.G. was in the hood dressed like that even after he got on, we would be like .... he is the best no, no, no you wouldn't.... so what the hell happen to looks like BIG and Pac's?

Shit, even common got a lil* bit more with the fashion, but for real son, moon boots to a phuckin heat game... now who's mom would have let them walk out the house lookin like that... MOON BOOTS SON? I mean from the rhymes, gear and interviews.. this is what I'm getting ... Skateboarding, surfer, martians, that do drugs heavy, rap, play gutairs, sing in auto tune, and could kill you with his choppa... is hot in the streets... ah ha PASS!

REMEMBER THIS.....

This got you permanent love on a white lady's arm like this....

NOT PERMANENT LOVE LIKE THIS.... THIS IS A DAMN SHAME....

OK, I know this is getting a lil* strung out but I'm about to hit you with the one single thing that changed fashion in Hip-Hop/Rap culture...... This B*t$hes sex game...

Yea, I said it, Erykah Badu's ill na na, changed all this fashion shit... you don't believe me... ask your self... Andre 3000 use to just be regular ass Andre from outkast.... then this dude messed around and turned into a shoulder pad wearing, furry chap havin, perm'd out love below? Common use to wear Adidas and all that Chicago stuff... Erykah broke him off a piece... this man start rappin about universal mind control... Check out what I'm talking about ....

Before she put that monkey on him and after.... starting to believe now???

What about this ...

You now know what I'm talking about... and think about it ... they changed some years before Wayne decided it was OK for him to start dressin all phuckin crazy.... he learned it from them and they got it from the magical private parts of Erykah Badu... so in conclusion, I don't actually blame Wayne(completely), I BLAME ERYKAH BADU'S NA NA.... damn, she messed it up for everyone!

Penndot is a zoo!

Recently I lost my wallet, I needed to get a new ID. Meaning I had to go to Penndot, like every other DMV its a zoo down there. You come to expect long lines, bad parking and the gambit of crazies. I did not encounter long lines or bad parking but I did have the delight of being at the window next to "child support guy"...

Like I said earlier I need an ID, so as I am getting out of my car I over hear this guy talkin to his girlfriend sayin .... I don't care, I will tell my baby's momma she don't have to pay for anything any more just stop with the child support shit... I paid no mind to that, I just kept walking. Little did I know at the time, I would over hear one of the greatest conversations I have ever heard(that i was not directly apart of).

So my number is called and I go to the window to handle my business. Next to me is the same guy. this is what he said " Yea, I'm here to get know whats up with my suspended license cause of back child support, I don't have back child support, all my shit is square, on top of that I have never had a license".... WHAT?! are you serious? You brought your angry ass down to Penndot to ask about back child support, that just doesn't add up, my dude. So the lady behind the counter says if you have back child support or child support issues you need to clear that up where ever that has nothing to do with Penndot or your license. He follows up with, "but I aint never had a license, hold on I'm callin my grandma" then calls his grandma and says this "Grandma, I ain't playin, I don't care if I go back to jail, they going to clear this shit up today"... then walks away.

Now, I don't have any kids, so I do not know the process of child support but I only have a few questions..

A) How the hell did you not only meet a girl but have a kid to her with NO license?
B) what made you think that Penndot could clear up your child support issues?
C) How does this dude not only have a baby's mom, but a new girlfriend that is OK with him having no license?

Stuntin' for two. . . .

Last week I saw a young lady wearing something a tad bit on the "sexy" side, I really didn't think much of it but something caught my eye. She looked like she MAY have been pregnant. She did have one of those huge hand bags so I really couldn't tell.

Yesterday, I saw the same girl. . . this time without a handbag. She was in fact pregnant and not just pregnant, but REALLY pregnant. Wearing a really scandalous outfit (in my opinion). Low cut black sweater,one of the really long sweaters that goes to the knees, but she has a baby belly so it didn't go down as far. Black leggings, and because I'm not good at judging heel length, I'm going to say 4 inch heels. She was really walking around like "look at me, I'm sexy".

I'm not upset at wanting to be sexy at a point in your life that you may not feel as sexy. I'm all for embracing the fact that your pregnant and that in itself is a beautiful thing. I'm upset that she was walking around with a gang of friends that did NOT tell her that you could see her underwear through her pants! Also at the fact that she did NOT take into account that that may happen.

Be happy, feel sexy, but remember your about to be some little persons parent.

Michael Vick

I'm NOT going to talk about Mike and his football skills(he is beating it up right now). I'm going to talk about a comment that was made, and the weird-ness of it.

Last week I was running late for work but I needed to shave because I looked like a lumberjack. on my way to work I noticed that I had missed a spot right under my lip, decent sized patch of hair. when I got to work, I was debating on going to go get a pack of razors just to get the patch, but it was suggested to me just to go to the salon to see if they would get it for me. GREAT IDEA. As one of the salon girls past I got her attention, explained the situation to her and she said she could help me out, GREAT. she was on her lunch so I gave her a little time before I decided to stop by. I stopped in a few times but she was busy with paying customers so, I went back to work. The last time I stopped in, an older lady(we will call her Sherry) informed me that the young lady that I had talked to earlier left for the day. Sherry then asked what she could help me with, I explained and she said she would do it. GREAT!

Here is where it gets a tad bit funny. Just to let you know a little bit about Sherry. Sherry is an older(60-65 year old) white lady, about 5'5", dresses nice and has a "Get'um girl" 2K10 hairstyle. Also has the thickest pair of reading glasses ever, hanging around her neck. You know the kind that sit at the end of your nose and you have to tilt your head up to read everything! So Anyway, I sit in her chair and she ask " so what are we doing here", ummm prolly what we just talked about 2 minutes ago but I entertained her. " well, I just missed a patch of hair". Sherry ask "Are we keeping this all even". Again, I shave my face clean except for a chin strap beard. I reply " umm, I mean, I guess so". she says " OK, I see what we are doing here",GREAT! First, thing she says after that is " I love your hair, how long would it be if you took it out". I respond with the normal, I can't take it out. Then she ask " how do you wash it?". My first instinct was to think of the most crazy thing I could i.e. juices and berries, egg whites, and or goat milk, but I didn't. I answered honestly cause she obviously was just curious. Sherry then ask me if I'm from this area, then ask about my job. You know the normal, get to know you questions. I ask the same questions back, but her answers are completely aimed towards connecting with me!

she tells me she is from a Vermont, and she has been cutting hair for 41 years. I answer with "Wow, that's great. takes some skill to keep up with a changing industry". Then she says this . . .. "Yea, I have cut black people's hair before". WHAT?!? I nod to acknowledge. At this point I know your probably like. Damn how long was he there? She decided to line up my whole beard and sideburns. At the same time I notice her hand a tad bit shaky as she is around my mouth with the razor. Also she is asking me questions like I can really answer her. Anywho. . . she then ask " Do you have any kids". I say " No, I have a dog". Sherry ask what kind. I tell her a Pitbull, she then says " ohhhh, Like Michael Vick", WTF!!! Sherry then begins to back pedal better then MJ could moon walk! she explains that she didn't mean "the bad thing", just the fact that he likes dogs. YEA, HE LIKES THEM TO FIGHT! come on sherry! Sherry also decided to inform me that her favorite football players are Michael Vick, Big Ben and Randy Moss??? OK lady, a convicted felon, Mr. "shhhh it's OK" and Randy "I will run you over police lady" Moss. At this point I just want this to be over, but I have noticed that she has pretty much shaved my whole face, EXCEPT the part we had initially talked about. Remember, I shaved this morning but missed a spot, this is my second FULL shave of the day! Sherry then says we are done, still no cutting of the hair under my lip but then stops me and say " uhhhh I almost forgot", quick two second shave of the patch and she is done. FINALLY!

As I get out of the chair, I ask her. . . . " How much do I owe you?". she tells me it's on the house because. . . ready for this. . . . ." I need to get back into the swing of things, you know. It has been a while since I have cut a black persons hair". . .. .REALLY. . .REALLY. . . you just lined up my beard! Is my facial hair that different from R.J. Redneck or Charlie Corperate? Even with the boardline comments, also I can completely understand that she just wanted to connect with me! I couldn't go with out paying her, so I asked her if i could get her a soft pretzel, she agreed.

Later that day I saw sherry out on her break. I waved, she looked at me winked, then said "Same time next week?"

I THINK NOT!

Here we are a year later. . . .

Here we are a year later and I have only had two post, NOT GOOD. I am on a mission to blog at least everyday. so here is my new thing.

WHAT THE H IS UP WITH ALL THESE SKINNY JEANS? I try not to go to the mall or be in public places like that but recently I have found myself in that environment more often. I have come to the conclusion that SKINNY jeans are NOT for EVERYONE. How about we do some "if, than" work here for females and males.

LADIES:

1. If you are built like your father and he is built like an NFL lineman, than SKINNY JEANS aren't for you.

2. If you have a boyish figure regular jeans, than SKINNY JEANS will fit you worse!

3. If your are skinny as a rail, than SKINNY JEANS aren't for you!

Men:

1. If I have to have a male section, then SKINNY JEANS aren't for you!

2. If you are a 40/29 regular jeans, than SKINNY JEANS aren't for your oversized a$$, I don't care how many of your 29/29 jean wearing friends have them on!

3. if you are a man, TAKE YOUR SKINNY JEANS OFF, your a man with man parts!

in conclusion, take my guidelines and move foward with your life. if you are offended by this post, you in fact know that one of my guidelines is for you and you know you shouldn't have them on in the first place!

Be easy!

Ugly or Not?

Recently I had a discussion with my friend Silk. I honestly can't remember how the "disagreement" started but here is the summary. He was talking about a girl, I said "she is ugly". He replied with " well, she is hot to someone". I disagree. I tried to explain to this guy, that she is still ugly and everyone in the world could think she is ugly, even another ugly person. He comes back with " well she might have a man, he thinks she is hot". No, she is still ugly, its just that he is prolly just as busted as her ass!

My thing is just because they both come to the realization that they are ugly and no one else will take their ugly asses. DOESNT make them good looking to each other. I believe this! I tried to explain that is why we have phrases like "butterface", and bullsh*t statements like " Yo, I just saw this chick, her face was BUSTED but her body was bangin". THAT CHICK IS STILL UGLY. Just because we have made everyone of our buddies at the table aware that our standards are as low as theirs doesnt make her hot! The fact that we are men and we REALLY only need like one attractive thing on a woman's body, to make her attractive ENOUGH to make a comment like. . . ." Yea, her face is busted dude, but she does have some big ass t*tties, I'd still bang'r"!Doesn't Make her hot!

I mean come on! How many times have you been out to eat, looked over at that table in the corner, saw two busted ass people that don't talk or look at each other while they eat? wonder why? They are both sitting their pissed off that they are with the other person and in the back of their minds are like " I hate His/Her ugly ass".

Not sayin, im a super model. Hell, I have been called ugly myself. I am just stating that I completely disagree with the statement "Their hot to someone"! F**K NO, NOT TRUE!